“Boys are Broken: Woman as Divine”

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Shells Rarely Expose the Gem Within

“Boys are Broken: Woman as Divine”

On my travels the other day, a man came upon me and felt comfortable enough to share something he had learned and now felt fully in his heart. Of course the man’s name was Aaron because no story like this should not involve a “Mark” and “Aaron”. So as he began testing out the boundaries of whether I would be receptive to his love sharing, in this case a Bible verse, I watched him do the visual check to see if I would actually listen to him or laugh or spit in his face. Little did he know that his attempt at conversation about the oncoming topic would bring me personal joy. So here he went, “have you ever thought about god as woman?” I smiled as I recalled my brief stint in graduate studies in religion at a catholic university — left because it wasn’t quite radical enough — but that is a story for another day; however, mother as god or god as woman? Hell yes. I continued to listen to him as he felt safer in his initiated conversation, and as he did, he pulled out a pocket version on the Bible and pulled up a wrinkled first few pages of Genesis. The verse that he shared was the following:

“… in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” (Gen. 2:27)

Immediately Aaron recoiled thinking me, 5'11", Black, bad (my self appraisal) looking and bald, would cringe at his idea that almighty God would be personified as male and female.

To the contrary, I was delighted to hear that there was another man, outside of my circle of friends, who allowed for the majesty of femininity to encompass the realm of deity. After being born and raised by two incredible women, the idea that their essence was divine was a given at this point — for me. The knowledge that Aaron belonged to a religious community that treated and understood the duality of being was a gorgeous proposition to me. Here was an anomaly, a Latinx speaking with a Black man about the feminine image of the divine. This was the essence of why I like this City of Angels — endless possibilities. After confirming with Aaron that I was in accord with his beliefs regarding a female/male god, we went on our separate ways and that seemed to be where it ended.

When I finally arrived at home, my phone interrupted me, as usual, with a friend who had the dilemma. I already felt I knew what was coming based on who it was, but I engaged just in case it was something new. It was not. My friend, like so many women I have met was having a power negotiation with her new partner. He was having issues with her ‘freely’ traveling city-to-city without him and thus trust monster was rising. I thought to myself, I just don’t do this conversation anymore — the power grab thing.

If I feel you I am fully invested, if not, it will be made clear.

I know many folks don’t invest anymore out of a fear of being hurt, which is also really about agency and self-esteem in a relationship. So, I told my friend to travel while she could enjoy the cities, and if the proposed partner was worth the trouble, he would meet her in baggage claim in terminal 7 at LAX when she returned from Mardi Gras. HA! I had more to say, but best stay out of people’s insecurities. My friend in text is a full-figured woman who is new to her own freedom and sexuality, so I support her exuding her best self, and enjoying the men t appreciate the inner glow and outer generous flow. She is growing, so I am smiling — in a figurative sense. A tough personality wrapped tightly to protect ultra-sensitivity, but it is what she has learned so far as a survival technique around men who would attempt to rule her expressiveness.

Once back into my own headspace I began to think more and more about why men, even me, would spend so much time on trying to control women. At its depth must be an inbred insecurity born of not being able to access the language of vulnerability. Why would we be able to leave home each day as a child, go off to college and never once think that mother or father would love less because they would not see you every day or speak each night. But, yet, when we date we lose our minds if we don’t see her every day or text her the very last thing every night. Not that we articulate it in any meaningful or non-power based way ever, but why?

Then tonight, as everyone was discussing the latest mass shooting, Micheal Ian Black tweeted the beginning of my answer: “Boys are broken.” Mr. Black, former NFL player and two-ring champion, goes on to say,”the language of masculinity is hopelessly entwined with sexuality, and the language of sexuality i(s) hopelessly entwined with power, agency and self-worth.”

First instinct: I wanted to look at that closely and pick it apart.

“boys/men are broken.” Yes, we are. Try telling your father you would like to see a therapist about what you are feeling and then telling the football coach you have to leave practice a half hour early to make it to a yoga session for mediation.

Secondly, why are men so tied to our dicks and its satisfaction? Sad as it may be, as an author expressed, “all men need is a couple rubs and some heat and its all over. Women need a full experience in order to climax.” One takes 5 minutes, while the other actually demands intimacy and no attention to the clock or cell phone.

And what about the idea of sexuality and power. Yes, the only fear some men have is that a woman will physically connect with someone else or that the woman will be seduced by another, as if women do not have any power to decide with whom they sexually endeavor. So yes, to that Mr. Black. Agreement.

All of that of course being a part of agency. The idea that women are a blank slate devoid of original expression and desire contradicts not only the creation story but common sense. How would it be that which carries and brings new life into the world would be less than divine? Women have an organic power to decide the ways in which they connect and articulate their position, how they connect to the earth. Often women have that circle of support with who to validate and speak truth away from any masculine ear. Men may chat it up at the barber shop, mostly exaggerated stories that boost their sense of masculinity or male positioning. All pretty funny when you think about a group of men gathering to get their hair done. You just better not call it that — too feminine.

So is it that men cant speak? Oh, we can, but that speech is more often measured in contrast rather than substance. Since masculinity is so rigidly defined for us. I marvel that I can find out more about my friend’s inner lives by speaking with their wives than I can directly with them. After teaching in a predominantly female environment for almost 20 years, I have discovered the personal power of using the language of feelings rather than power. At times I forget to code switch, but the willingness to embrace the language of femininity has given me more voice — written and oral.

And finally, on this Valentine’s Night: male self worth. Why are so many men valued for what they have rather than how they connect to the earth? Chris Rock tells this joke, “when your boys find out you “have” a new girl, they ask, oooh, how does she look? When the girl tells her women’s circle about her new guy, the first question is, “what does he DO?!” So where do men go to make up for their self-esteem if they are not CEO or in charge of something somewhere? Is our worth only to be measured by car, house, neighborhood, or how much we like beer and the Dodgers, or the latest NFL match up?

So, Michael Ian Black and Aaron are actually asking the similar questions. Can you see god as woman and can you as a man see that expressing the feminine in you is a simple expression of the divine? The ultimate self esteem. God is all of you.

Imagine men being allowed to re-imagine the role that they wish to play, not have to play. All of a sudden the ‘We’ becomes dominant, and the I becomes glorified in shared emotion, responsibility and care. We equally provide comfort, we equally attend school, we equally share nights out, we equally make room for honest conversations and we build a relationship based on shared experiences apart and together knowing that the WE is always present, as we wish, not as I say. Imagine how much happier we would all be if men were allowed to openly discuss their emotions with receptivity and not with guns and other toys that too often become tools of peril. Imagine this week without broken men (boys). No scandal about WH Staff beating wife #1, #2 and girlfriend #3. Screams a certain need not present. No WH Sex worker scandal with a $130,000 pay off, and finally, no young man who was adopted who lost his adoptive mother not even a year ago and his father 10 years ago, and was living somehow on his own at the age of 19 in an affluent part of the state of Florida with no aid from social services or country school district. A “boy is broken”, just as men are broken. Broken men need permission to learn to speak their truth in open, safe spaces, and room to re-define masculinity as an identity rather than a consequence.